I’ve debated posting on this topic for a good month now. A big part of me continuously brushed it off as my anxiety telling me to get worked up over it, to make a big deal out of something that’s not really important. It’s this incessant need to be liked by and get along with everyone. But that’s not realistic, and this is something thats been weighing on my heart for awhile and the whole point of starting this blog was to connect to people on a different level. A level that’s sometimes easier to reach with strangers than it is to reach with people you know. Strangers don’t get the luxury of having an opinion of you based on their prior knowledge of you because there is none! It’s a beautiful thing really, to essentially have a clean slate and to get unbiased opinions. So refreshing. But before my ADD takes me into another direction, this is something I’ve been feeling since we made our pregnancy announcement. I mean I’ve always wanted to get along with everyone, but its become more apparent to me that I care too much lol.
To get right to it, I feel like I’ve lost friends that I thought I was closer to. We may not have talked all the time but if the tables were turned, I would always be there for these friends who never reached out to say congrats or offered their support on my pregnancy. I read this and I feel so pretentious for expecting people to congratulate me on my unplanned pregnancy. Like yea good job you know how to have sex and do the one thing humans are literally programed to do. But that’s not the point…I had so much love for these people and to hear nothing from them on the subject hurts my heart. I had people from high school (or people who I haven’t talked to in general for years) get more excited and wish me better than people I thought were my close friends. I’m the first of my friends to get pregnant, and many of them still go out most weekends to drink and party so its been a tough and lonely transition at times. I think I’m at that age where some people my age are settling down and starting families and some are still in the party phase.
It’s easy for some people to say ‘who cares’ or ‘fuck ’em’ and trust me, I’ve tried…but deep down it makes me sad to miss people who don’t seem to care. I read a quote once that said, “Stop breaking your own heart by exaggerating your place in other peoples lives.” Its rang true to me much more than usual lately. Why care for people who don’t care?? Why am I continuously breaking my own heart over people who should not effect me so deeply. It’s crazy and I should just let it go…but. I. can’t. And it drives me nuts, I get so annoyed with myself because I’m usually so good at brushing things off.
I’ve always prided myself on giving the people the benefit of the doubt. I don’t really hold grudges and I’m an extremely forgiving person because I believe there is always good to be found. But that comes as a double edged sword. There are people who think they can walk all over me, be vindictive and manipulative. But even when those things are done to me, I’m not stupid, I know what you’re doing, you ain’t slick, so if I talk to you less, I am simply separating myself from you and your negativity.
People will always talk behind your back. Unfortunately it can even come from the ones who could be considered your best friends. People who say they’re on your team when really they are rooting for your failure. They want to talk you down to others to make themselves look and feel better. It sucks and its been done to me first hand. But I also believe karma and the words and vibes you put out into the world, come right back to you. I mean you just don’t see good human beings constantly down on their luck and thinking to themselves, why me? You don’t because of their view on the world. Their lack of negativity. The idea that it is not a competition, I am here to help you up just as much as I am here to help myself up. Karma is only a bitch when you are.
I hope I come across as a genuine person to everyone I meet. I hope that if my friends and family were to describe me in anyway it would be that I had a genuine and loving heart. So if I anyone was ever told that I treated someone like shit, there wouldn’t be a doubt in their mind that that was a lie.
But in the end all you can do is continue to love yourself, love the people who are real and truly there to love you, and keep your head up. You know what’s best for yourself. Listen to your gut. There will always be other fish in the sea especially as far as making new friends go!
Just typing these feelings out makes me feel better…like I’m not crazy for caring and that everything will work itself out. God will put people in your life and take them out as he sees fit, and that’s just gonna have to be okay with me.
It’s almost 11 o’ clock at night…I’ve barely proofread this but I think ill just hit ‘post’ so all of my 7 whole subscribers (2 of which may actually even read) can be blessed with my ramblings. (Emphasis on ramblings bc I’m reading over this and it’s really all over the place.) Almost 1,000 words later and I guess I had more to say on this subject than I even realized. I hope someones finds comfort in it.
So to all my sensitive but strong people who don’t like to talk out these feelings in fear of being considered, ‘overdramatic’ or ‘too sensitive,’ I feel you, I care, and I am here.