I remember sitting at work thinking to myself….did I have my period last month? It was February 12th and I was beginning to get worried since I could barely remember my last period. I texted my boyfriend asking if he remembered and we both could only recall sometime in December. Uh oh. A sinking feeling came over me for a split second but I quickly brushed it off thinking, there’s no way! Especially since I’m on birth control. But just to be safe, we decided we’d casually pick up some tests on our grocery run that night. For the rest of the day I couldn’t focus on anything else. I even considered heading to the closest CVS with the little one I nanny in tow. But I decided against it as I felt guilty for doing it without Hunter and while I was at work. Plus I was sure I was just pysch’ing myself out, so I talked myself off a ledge and convinced myself it was going to be, without a doubt, negative.
Fast forward to later that night, with the pregnancy test in my sweaty hands, waiting for the opportune moment to walk to the bathroom and pee on a stick. I began to think back to all the indicators of pregnancy that were so obvious now. Signs I overlooked bc they were so similar to PMS’ing. The exhaustion, zero motivation to work out, uncontrollable cravings for sweets, the headaches and dizziness. That’s when I started to panic..this test could actually be positive!! Shit. With my heart in my throat I took the test and waited for the longest two minutes of my life. Hunter and I sat on our bed passing glances and thinking to ourselves, how did we get here? Without being able to wait a second longer, I picked the test up off my desk and BOOM.
Just like that, clear as day, the word ‘Pregnant’ was printed across the small screen. I Immediately fell to my bed and began to sob. Dramatic, I know. I just always envisioned the moment I found out I was pregnant it was going to be planned and certainly not happening at this point in my life. From the bed Hunter says, ‘What does it say baby? Is it positive?’ And I hand him the stick. And I’m not sure if he is in shock, or so happy over the results he doesn’t say anything at first, he just rubs my back as I continue to ugly cry into my hands. Once I composed myself, I turned to Hunter and he has a big smile on his face. ‘It’s gonna be okay baby everything is gonna okay. We’re gonna figure this out and we have so much support.’ He honestly handled the whole situation with such grace and love it really settled my nerves. But I wasn’t thinking about the support we’d have, I was selfishly thinking about my career and how I was just a kid and still had a lot of exploring to do in life. My next thought was, I’ll go to planned parenthood and take a pregnancy test because these at home tests can be wrong sometimes! (Hello denial?) So here I was the next day anxiously waiting in the planned parenthood office. I felt like I was in high school all over again just trying to get some free birth control. Ironic. But this time it was to find out if my life was going to change forever.
Hunter held my hand and asked if he could sit in the room with me while I awaited my results and they said no. So I walked to the room alone. Shortly after, two nurses walked in and congratulated me on my pregnancy as soon as they sat down. ‘Was this a planned pregnancy?’ And a lump formed in my throat. ‘No it wasn’t….’ ‘Do you plan to keep or terminate the pregnancy?’ As selfish as my initial thoughts were about being pregnant, I instantly answered. ‘I want to keep my pregnancy.’ Like word vomit it came out and I hadn’t even really thought about my “options”. How could I abandon something I made with someone I love? The answer was simple. I couldn’t and I wouldn’t. We left that appointment finally realizing just how real this was…being asked if I wanted to terminate my pregnancy really hit home for me and made me see just how much I wanted to be a Mommy. I was terrified and had no idea what to expect or where to even begin. I just knew I wanted to give this baby everything I possibly could and then some.
Eventually the initial shock and denial subsided and soon I found myself already falling in love with this little human who was no bigger than a jellybean. Shortly after that appointment we broke the news to our families and were overwhelmed with love and excitement and I realized that I will never be alone in this new adventure.